by Christopher Arnett
Native Foods Cafe
Native Foods Café has just received top secret information, obtained by Agent Allen, our unassuming (yet heavily tatted) specialist! Having infiltrated a secret government installation, she has obtained disturbing information: it appears a corporation has developed a means of self-repair for the human brain! However, as usual, the scientific research involved has mad heavy use of animal testing; specifically, chimps. Originally tipped-off by insider information, Agent Allen courageously sought to end the scheme and free all those poor chimps. In this way, she came across a master plan that blew her non-wool socks off!
To say we deplore animal testing is a severe understatement here at Native Foods Cafe. We are working for the liberation of all beings primarily through to changing the way people view food.
It seems one chimp in particular, named Caesar by the scientists, has developed dramatically increased intelligence due to the brain-repair substance. In fact, his aptitude has far exceeded that of a human counterpart. After deciding he could no longer stand a life in captivity, he cleverly managed to steal more of the experimental substance and use it to boost the brain power of his fellow chimps in the captivity. Soon, a veritable army of super-smart apes was born! They were mad and fed-up from being forcibly confined and subjected to heinous testing—and who could blame them? Certainly not Agent Allen. After the initial shock of meeting the mutated chimps, Agent Allen convinced them she came in peace. She was easily able to do this with her Native Foods Café credentials; for surely, anyone who partakes of the fresh, flavorful, and cruelty-free fare at Native Foods could mean no harm. After managing to convince the apes of her good intentions, her new friends showed Agent Allen another government secret at the installation: the X7- 390 Ultra Pre-Cognitive Viewfinder! What the heck is this you ask? Well, it is a top secret machine that can look into the future! It is cleverly disguised as a red plastic viewfinder from the 80’s, but Agent Allen easily pierced the façade with her powers of perception. After looking into the viewfinder, what she saw astounded her!
The Native Foods Cafe View Finder shows images of Scorpion Burgers, Native Nachos, and Classic Deli Reubens.... Ha!
The highly intelligent chimps, now joined by other species of apes, were launching a full-scale revolution on human society! They had had enough, and the time was right to seize the freedoms that had continuously been taken from them. And they fought not just for themselves, but all animals on the planet that had ever suffered injustice at human hands. In time, the clever and skilled apes took over the U.S., and in the years following, the whole world (of humans) was overcome!
Caesar is going to be real hungry after leading this super-intelligent crew... think he needs a Chicago Dip Au Jus form Native Foods Cafe.
While sympathetic to their plight, Agent Allen was naturally apprehensive. So this was the future? Like many other people, she had compassion for all animals; but would she and her loved ones have a place in this new simian society? But as Agent Allen continued to look in the viewfinder, her fears were put to rest. As the great wave of ape-fuelled freedom for animals spread across the globe, they realized not all humans were guilty. Vegans were perceived to be the apex of human evolution, and were thus given a special place in the new world order. Initially, PETA was established as the governing body of the world; but after enjoying lunch at Native Foods Café (the Chimpanzee Pizza was a big hit!) after a morning of rocket-propelled destruction of local animal testing facilities, they had a change of heart. Who knew the way to a chimp’s brain was through his stomach? As such, Chef Tanya was proclaimed ruler of the world, for only one so dedicated to freedom, equality, and flavor could usher in a new era of peace. All hail Chef Tanya!...
Chef Tanya feeds hungry humans at her Native Foods Cafe cooking demos every month.... and they're free!
As Agent Allen lowered the viewfinder from her eyes, she found they had misted over. So there really was hope for the world, after all. But it wasn’t a reality, yet. There was so much work to be done! She would report back to Native Foods Café right away and get started, taking us back to the beginning of our tale. So what is next for our healthful heroine and her new friends? Check out the next installment of the Adventures of Agent Allen to find out!
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