by Christopher Arnett
Native Foods Cafe
the second edition of The Adventures of Agent Allen... click here to read the first.
I’m sure many of you are aware of the 90’s classic thriller, Single White Female. But did you know that a similar case of identity theft happened to Agent Allen of Native Foods Café? Read on for the full twisted and sordid tale…
Agent Allen was much fulfilled. She led an exciting and meaningful life as a top agent for the covert Native Foods Café task force, defending the rights of animals and vegans. And she had friends, but she thought it would be nice to have a roommate. Not that her cats weren’t company, but a human roommate would be a little different. So she decided to place an ad in the local paper: Single White Vegan seeks roommate. A plethora of girls applied, but they just didn’t quite mesh with Agent Allen. As she was beginning to become discouraged, an unassuming and slightly awkward girl came to the door.
“Hi-hi. I’m here for the ad. You, uh, need a roommate?” said the girl. She was rather plain looking: long blond hair, no distinguishing features—but she seemed nice enough. Agent Allen welcomed her in and the two women talked for a while. The girl was kinda dorky and a little odd, but nothing that raised a flag for Agent Allen. Although, the girl’s name seemed a little strange and oddly familiar: Yadalloh Nella. But being a connoisseur of the weird, Agent Allen really took a liking to Yadalloh. She moved in soon after that.
At first, everything was great. Agent Allen and Yadalloh did everything together: watch movies, go running, and cook. This last one was a real treat, since Yadalloh wasn’t vegan at first, but quickly and happily adopted the cruelty-free way of eating. Agent Allen couldn’t wait to have her good friend Christopher over to meet her new roommate. But Christopher had a differing opinion. After meeting Yadalloh, he called Agent Allen the next day and said he had a bad feeling about her. Agent Allen valued the opinion, but she was having too much fun with her new roommate to heed the fateful warning. However, she would soon realize that indeed Yadalloh was one taco short of a vegan combination plate.
A couple weeks after moving in, Agent Allen was having a bad day. Yadalloh said getting small, matching tattoos would cheer up her friend, and dragged her out of the apartment. Agent Allen noticed that Yadalloh had her hair completely concealed under a headscarf, but thought nothing of it. At the tattoo shop, Agent Allen and Yadalloh got the tattoos they had planned on. After, Yadalloh said she had a surprise for Agent Allen, and went into a private room to have more work done. Hours and hours later, Yadalloh finally emerged. To Agent Allen’s shock, Yadalloh had herself covered in the exact same tattoos as she! And moreover, Yadalloh had removed the headscarf, revealing hair that had been dyed to match Agent Allen’s shade of brown!
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said Agent Allen in disbelief.
“I thought you would like it. I thought we could be twinsies,” replied Yadalloh in a sad tone.
“You just should’ve asked, first,” said a creeped-out Agent Allen.
When they got home, Yadalloh’s strange behavior did not abate. She was in fact quite upset. “I don’t get it. I thought we were best friends. I thought we would do everything together,” she said.
“We are friends,” replied Agent Allen, “but you just need to learn not to cross certain boundaries.”
“I see how it is,” said Yadalloh becoming visibly angrier. “You don’t really want to be my twin. Fine! If you don’t want me, then I don’t want you!”
With that, Yadalloh suddenly grabbed a rolling pin and subdued Agent Allen. She then bound and gagged her. Just as Yadalloh, finished this task, the phone rang. Yadalloh answered pretending to be Agent Allen. It turns out it was Christopher calling.
He decided to have his good friend Agent Allen over to dinner, so when he called her up and he heard her say “That sounds great. I’ll be over, soon,” he suspected nothing. Christopher had prepared a wholesome and organic meal of brown rice, steamed veggies, tofu, and a creamy tahini dressing—some of Agent Allen’s favorites!
When she arrived, she greeted Christopher with a great big warm hug as usual. However, Christopher found it odd that she kept on her oversized sunglasses even though it was evening. Oh, well, he thought to himself. She’s been known to do stranger things. But the strangeness didn’t end there.
During the meal, Agent Allen hardly said a word, and didn’t laugh once! This was exceedingly odd, since Agent Allen was known for her love of asking questions and her infectious laughter. And those sunglasses never came off. Hmm. Christopher thought it was time to get to the bottom of this mystery. So he subtly pushed the saltshaker off the table to feign an accident. Instinctually, Agent Allen quickly bent down to pick up the shaker, and her sunglasses fell off her face with the motion. Christopher was aghast! It was not his long time friend Agent Allen that sat before him, but her new odd roommate, Yadalloh!
“Yadalloh! What are you doing here?!” Christopher asked in shock.
“Don’t pretend you didn’t know it was me. You liked having me here, cooking for me, talking with me,” Yadalloh smugly replied.
“I didn’t know it was you! You come here with the same clothes, the same hair! You even have the same tattoos! What is this?” Christopher exclaimed, looking the imposter up and down. “I’m going to tell Agent Allen right away!”
“Oh, no you’re not!” said Yadalloh. Then she quickly pulled off one of Agent Allen’s hearty Birkenstocks that she was wearing, and slugged Christopher across the face! The hapless vegan fell to the floor with a thud. Yadalloh looked down on the unconscious man with a scoff. Then she pulled out a tightly sealed bag from her hoodie. In the bag were wrappers from local burger chains, reeking of meat and cheese. She placed these on the table so as to make it seem that a very non-vegan meal had been eaten. Yadalloh smiled, pleased with herself. “This poor fool will be knocked out for days. They’ll think that Agent Allen herself was here eating cheeseburgers with her friend. And by then, we’ll be gone.” She put back on the oversized sunglasses before leaving Christopher’s apartment.
Who knew the simple footwear beloved of hippies and other earthy individuals could be used as a dangerous weapon?
Yadalloh returned to Agent Allen’s place where she had her tied up. She then told the bound and gagged vegan, “I wanted us to be best friends. I wanted us be twinsies! But I just can’t deal with you anymore. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…Oh, geez, oh, geez…,” the crazed woman said in an exasperated tone while rubbing her face.
Yadalloh then suddenly turned around and pulled out two short brown stick-like objects. Agent Allen’s eyes grew wide with terror and she vainly tried to cry out through her gag as she realized what the objects were: beef jerky!
Yadalloh took a few menacing steps towards her helpless victim, and then Agent
Allen began to squirm and struggle, straining to speak through the gag and staring at her assailant with imploring eyes. It was enough to evoke a moment of sympathetic hesitation form Yadalloh.
“What is it? What do you want to say?” asked the crazed woman as she ripped the gag off Agent Allen’s face.
With her most convincing act, Agent Allen replied, “Don’t make me leave you. We can be meat-eating twins. But I want to pick the first restaurant we go to.”
Yadalloh was overcome by the plea and dropped to her knees, letting her head fall into Agent Allen’s lap in sobs of relief. Agent Allen knew her chance had come.
Agent Allen had managed to convince Yadalloh that she’d finally seen the light, and wanted to be twinsies with her. To her captor’s satisfaction, she insisted on picking the restaurant where they’ll get some animal-laden fast food before taking off on the run.
Agent Allen directs Yadalloh, who was driving, to a back alley. As they pull into the dark alley, the smell of meat is wafting in the air, and Yadalloh felt assured. “Where is this?” she asked.
“We’re behind one of the meatiest restaurants in town. I figured we should enter through the back in case anyone recognizes on the street,” replied Agent Allen.
“Wow, you’re so smart, twinsie,” said Yadalloh with a gleeful smile.
However, unbeknownst to Yadalloh, Native Foods Café headquarters was situated between two greasy fast food joints; the smell of meat in the alley was actually from these restaurants, lulling the menacing Yadalloh into false sense of security. As the two women enter the unassuming restaurant from the alley, Agent Allen breaks away and yells out for her fellow agents. Yadalloh was quickly subdued. The mad Yadalloh Nella, now securely bound, repeatedly moved her head back and forth saying, “I just wanted to be twinsies…I just wanted to be twinsies…” After a quick background search, it turns out Yadalloh Nella was not her real name after all—it was Nancy Smith. But that didn’t matter now. All that mattered was that another violator of the vegan lifestyle was in custody, and Agent Allen was safe and ready to continue fighting for truth, justice, and the cruelty-free way.
So what is the moral of this story? To go eat at Native Foods Café, of course! Having a sociopathic psycho identity thief come after you can be stressful and exhausting, so recharge and relax with an awesome chef-crafted vegan meal!
The Portobello and Sausage Burger from Native Foods Cafe (vegan food, vegan restaurant)
